were written by
A girl
I have so much to say and no idea how to say it all. Hopefully it will all come to me as I attempt to type this entry. I was s'posed to go see Beehive again tonite, so I called in sick to work. Working is so lame. Calling in always makes me feels so good. Long story short, I didn't go see Beehive. I lost Heather's number, Bill didn't want to go.. and then it got too late, so I was just like.. blah. I spent 3/4 of today lounging around in my jammies. I literally did nothing all day long. When my sister got home, she asked if I wanted to go to the movies. I forced myself to throw on some jeans, and a bandana ('cuz fuck if I was gonna' do my hair) and we went to see 8 Mile. Yes, I actually liked it. All in all, it was a great story.. and Eminem's rapping was rapperiffic, as well. I wasn't all too impressed with the way it ended, but overall, it was worth the money.. especially since I didn't pay. I got home from the movies fully prepared to get back in my jammies and chill. At about 2130, my phone rings. It's Adam. This is it. The moment I waited for. The one moment that had my heart beating like a fuckin' drum for a week. All the waiting and worrying and yelling.. all the chatting, and journal entries.. all the excitement, anticipation, and ultimate letdown had come down to this. He called. He was on the phone. And I was fumbling for words. All these thousands of words were stuck in my head. I wanted to yell at him, and ask him HOW the hell he could have done this, I wanted to tell him he was an asshole, to get the hell off my phone. I wanted to embrace this moment.. to capture it in time. I wanted to tell him everything, and to listen to all his stories. I wanted to drive with him.. somewhere, ANYWHERE. I told him to come over. He said okay. And then, 15 minutes later.. in a moment of utter surrealism, I was walking out my front door. A white Volvo. A boy stepping out of it. A black haired boy with green eyes. My hands shook. I think I smiled. And then.. as if it were totally natural, as if it was what we were MEANT to do, we hugged. We got in his car and drove. We went to Zodiak and ordered soy lattes. I remember.. sometime over the past 2 or 3 weeks, scrawling something on a piece of paper about drinking soy lattes with Adam. We sat on the couch, side by side, and tried to find words. It was awkward for a while. We tried to talk about.. stuff. About the whole way things played out. I told him how I felt when he didn't call. He apologized.. a lot. I kept looking at him, trying to get myself to believe that he was actually sitting next to me. The conversation got easier and easier. We listened to Dashboard. We talked about music. He looked so cute. He was the boy in all the pictures.. but this time he was real. No computers, or late nite phone calls.. no modem lines connecting us, no file transfers, no 3000 mile gap to bridge. This was raw emotion at it's finest. We were gonna' drive to the beach, but we decided against it. We're gonna' go tomorrow. I'm not really sure how to feel right now. It's almost as if the last 2 hours didn't happen at all. Sometimes I think I'm too much of a sucka'. For all that's right, I should have told him to go fuck himself. I should have screamed obscenities at him, hung up, and gotten into my jammies. I should have let him drive over just so that I could tell him to his face to get the fuck away from me. Maybe I'm an idiot for NOT doing that.. an idiot for forgiving him.. for giving him another chance. But I had to see him. I had to make him real. If I hadn't.. if I had chosen to take a stand, I would live the rest of forever WONDERING. And I can't live like that. I don't know how stuff will play out. Maybe I'm setting myself up.. breaking my own heart. I told him I'm glad we hung out.. and I am. He hugged me goodnite and told me he'd call tomorrow. This time, I believe him. I don't blame anyone who may think I'm an idiot. I very well may be. Let me know what you think. Currently reading: ... Listening to: Bright Eyes - Nothing Gets Crossed Out Thinking of: how it all comes down to one moment -*-*-*- 09 Dec 02 that it is part of the destiny of the human race in its gradual improvement to leave off eating animals.." -HD Thoreau 
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